Un-Mayor Absconds - City In Shambles!

Radio Free Hard Alley:     BREAKING NEWS - In a statement issued to the Alley Press, Un-Mayor OHanlon has absconded his duties as Un-Mayor of Hard Alley and has vacated his crate in the now infamous city square. Discarded cigarrette butts and soiled napkins were last seen blowing freely in the breeze of the quiet city streets, in a scene reminiscent of Hitchcock episodes long past. Traces of the Un-Mayor could not be found anywhere in the shadowed alleys and causeways, and rumors abound that he's vacated his office in pursuit of a higher calling.

So much for the days of laughter and art.  This has been radio free hard alley, signing off.

Megan Fox A Magician? She's Disappearing Before Our Own Eyes!!

Radio Free Hard Alley: HOLLYWOOD - Sources in Hollywood tell the AP (Alley Press) that mega-actress Megan Fox now has the same waist size as her eight-year-old stepson Kassius after she put herself on an extremely strict 1,000 calorie-a-day diet. Megan apparently is losing pounds at "an alarming rate" for no apparent purpose, and now weighs just 74lb.

Agents, Publicists and Critics alike are all "weighing in" on Fox's recent thin decline, and many are speculating that the dramatic loss of her once curvaceous figure can be directly attributed to her refusal to eat properly since Un-Mayor OHanlon began to snub her at public appearances.

"Megan is really reeling over her lack of physical contact with Donovan! She's a mess!" told a source close to the actress who requested to remain anonymous....though provided his first name only as "Brian". "She's so detached and numb now, and spends long hours in crying fits and standing naked before the full length bathroom mirror chanting, What's Wrong with Me?! What's Wrong with Me?!" the source added.

Raymond DePaul, a psychiatrist at the very prestigious Johns Hopkins University, said changes in mood and speech and eating can be clues to a manic state of mind.   "In terms of self-attitude, patients can be very grandiose, either in the form of being just supremely self-confident, or extremely distructive." DePaul said. "Patients with moderate or even milder forms of mania or hypomania can tell me that they feel invincible, or that there's nothing wrong with them...as in cases of weight."

Reached for comment, OHanlon stated that Fox needs to "fly to Canada and pig out on some McLobster value meals and GET OVER HERSELF! Geez!!" More on this story as Breaking News pours in......

As The Sheen Fades, OHanlon Shines On!

Radio Free Hard Alley:     NEW YORK – Leave it to Charlie Sheen to upstage the Oscars. A day after Hollywood's biggest show, the troubled actor dominated the headlines with threats of a lawsuit, two riveting morning show interviews, a rambling live stream on an Internet website. And by midday Monday, his veteran publicist had quit. It was just another day for the self-described party animal whose use of drugs, alcohol, prostitutes and pornstars combined to shut down the top-rated comedy on television, "Two and a Half Men."

"I'm tired of pretending like I'm not special," Sheen said. "I'm tired of pretending I'm not a total bitchin rock star from Mars. You can't process me with a normal brain."

"I am on a drug. It's called Charlie Sheen. It's not available because if you try it once, you will die, and your children will weep over your exploded body."

"I was banging seven gram rocks and finishing them because thats how I roll."

"The run I was on made Sinatra, Flynn, Jagger, Richards, all of them just look like droopy-eyed armless children. I’ve one speed, I’ve one gear, go! And I dare you to keep up with me,”

In the interviews, Sheen insisted that he is currently sober and says he welcomes drug testing. How did he get sober? "I closed my eyes and made it so with the power of my mind," he told NBC.

"AA was written for normal people, people that aren't special. People that don't have tiger blood, you know, Adonis DNA." He, presumably, has that Adonis DNA. And people who relapse? "Fools. Trolls. Weak. Defeated. They allowed defeat to be an option."

Hearing the news that Sheen has Adonis DNA, Un-Mayor OHanlon suddenly realized that Charlie Sheen was actually his long lost brother from Mars, and restated his previous claim that Sheen's still a pussy for not outlasting OHanlon at Sheen's recent pornstar party. "Charlie's such a pussy! He totally crapped out and couldn't fuck anymore....and ultimately wimped out and went to the hospital....what a goon....but hey, he's my brother...so don't any of you try to say that about him!"

Asked about Sheen's pornstar prowess...OHanlon simply apologized to the ladies and said candidly "I should never have brought you over to his place with me....he's such a fucking loser....but hey, I'll make it up to you....party at my place on Wednesday lovelies!"

OHanlon Absconds - Fox Bites - Hosts Plain Sucked!

Radio Free Hard Alley:   HOLLYWOOD - Wow, what a night folks....filled with drama and suspense. On hearing the news that actress Megan Fox planned to attend the 83rd Academy Awards last night, Un-Mayor OHanlon absconded his duties as Unilateral Awards Presenter at the last minute, refusing to be in close proximity to his serial stalker. This placed the Academy in the unusual position of re-booking previously scheduled presenters at the last possible moment.

Arriving by limosine, Megan Fox got word of the news while pulling up to the red carpet and barricaded herself inside her red stretch limo out of sheer embarassment. Her transportation sped away as the lane cleared, and she was later seen frantically stomping about a nearby retention pond after having just ripped the throat out of her publicist by her teeth. Charges have not yet been filed.  More on that story as it develops. But "the show must go on", and it did....unfortunately!

The Orlando Sentinel said that the show was a “disaster.” USA Today said the “pleasure diminished” as the night progressed. Moviefone.com commented that the whole thing was “boring” and “produced horribly.” CBS referred to numerous skits by rookie hosts Anne Hathaway and James Franco as “uninspiring.” And The Hollywood Reporter noted that the hosting duet was “spectacularly bad” – particularly James Franco.

When will they ever learn...the youth of today's Hollywood suck....but in a good "lowered expectations" sort of way.  But not all was a total loss.  Rumors are circulating that Academy Award winning actress Natalie Portman was so passionately impressed by OHanlon's snub of Megan Fox...that the actress is in talks with OHanlon's people regarding a dinner engagement at a date to be determined....stay tuned for more! 

Un-Mayor Rocks the Academy - Now Hosting Oscars!

Radio Free Hard Alley:     HOLLYWOOD - Actors James Franco and Anne Hathaway have been replaced as co-hosts the 83rd Academy Awards on February 27th, the producers of the Oscars show announced Monday. They announcement came as a text message from the members of the Academy, and came on the heels of Un-Mayor OHanlon rocking several members of the Academy in person.

Cornered for comment, Un-Mayor OHanlon confirmed his tenure as unilateral host and added that he "in fact had cum on the heels of several members of the Academy Panel", and for that he is "deeply grateful!" The Awards Show will be covered live by our International Correspondents and will be carried by ABC (Alley Broadcasting Company) as developments unfold. Stay Tuned!!

T-M-I-double Guh-Err....that spells "Non-Speaker"!

Radio Free Hard Alley:     WASHINGTON, D.C. – A photo of Rep. David Wu wearing a tiger costume and other unusual revelations about his mental health are increasing pressure on the seven-term Oregon Democrat to step down. But the lawmaker says he's not quitting even as an editorial in one of the state's largest newspapers and the state Republican chairman called for his resignation.

Wu said this week that it was "unprofessional and inappropriate" to send pictures of himself wearing a tiger costume to staff members while he was in the middle of a heated campaign last year. He did note however that his behavior was COMPLETELY IN CHARACTER and APPROPRIATE for Hard Alley, Second Life's Original Sin!!

HARD ALLEY - Responding to the news of Wu's imminent departure from the United States Congress, Un-Mayor OHanlon has offered David Wu a cabinet position in his Office....stating that as long as he remains chained to the cabinet and submits to Furry Testing....and keeps his crazy ass mouth shut....he can proudly proclaim himself "Non-Speaker" of the Alley!

"Thunder Thighs" Let Loose In Hard Alley?!

Radio Free Hard Alley:     ARCHAEOLOGY - Anyone who's ever thought they had a big butt had nothing on a dinosaur literally named "thunder thighs." Among the sauropods, the largest creatures to have ever walked the Earth, Brontomerus — "thunder thighs" in Greek — probably had the biggest thighs of them all, scientists revealed. Its unusually powerful back legs might have been used for super-kicks against rivals or would-be predators, they added.

HARD ALLEY - Un-Mayor OHanlon has responded to the crisis by calling on experts, and has issued a statement reminding the public that the distinctions for ancient creatures are less about age, and more about attributes.  An International Team of Archaeologists are rumored to be roaming the streets of Hard Alley in search of further Brontomerus contact. Some avatars meeting the basic description have been reported in the area in recent weeks, and scientists intend to "get to the bottom of it!" Other unusual species said to inhabit the dark and dreadful streets include.....AlphaKennyWun.......AllotaFagina........AnitaKhock.....and the always popular HalJalikakock. As discoveries are made we'll keep you posted!

Welcome Singapore! :)

Radio Free Hard Alley:     HARD ALLEY - The staff of Radio Free Hard Alley extend a warm welcome to our newest International Readership from Singapore! We're so glad to have you with us! Stay tuned for updated News and Mockmentary as we update our content frequently. Glad to have you aboard! :)

Stop The Oral Sex...Stop The Cancer....Stop The Insanity!!!

Radio Free Hard Alley:      SCIENCE OF SEX - Here's a crucial message for teens: Oral sex carries many of the same risks as vaginal sex, including human papilloma virus, or HPV. And HPV may now be overtaking tobacco as the leading cause of oral cancers in America in people under age 50. The study was presented Sunday at the American Association for the Advancement of Science. The latest data suggest that 64% of oropharynx cancers - growing in the middle part of the throat - in the United States are caused by HPV, which is more than tobacco causes, said Maura Gillison of Ohio State University. And as the number of partners on whom you have performed oral sex goes up, the risk of oropharnyx cancer goes up.

HARD ALLEY - Responding to the findings, Un-Mayor OHanlon took a deep frustrated drag from his Marlboro cigarrette and exhaled loudly as he looked down replying "Hold on a second sweetheart"....then continued by saying "look, it's like double dipping with french fries....if you have to question whether you should be double dipping with that person, you probably shouldn't be eating fries with them anyway....fair enough?!" OHanlon then immediately resumed his normal duties as Un-Mayor without incident.

Fox Heckled On Letterman As A "F***in Bitch!"

Radio Free Hard Alley:     FOXGATE - As the days continue to pass and the pressure continues to mount, Actress Megan Fox just can't seem to keep things in perspective anymore. Appearing on The Letterman Show, the sultry actress was heckled by former fans and ultimately run off-stage by a cabbage weilding crowd as Letterman laughed nearby.

Letterman: "So Megan.....eh haahaa....I errrmm....I understand you can't seem to get enough of this Donovan fella. Is that true?"

Fox: "Yeah...he's pretty much it for me...I mean have you seen the guy? I mean...wow!" [blushed deep red]

Heckler: "YOU F***ING BITCH.....HE'S F***ING MARRIED IN SL...BITCH!

Crowd: "BITCH...BITCH...BITCH....BITCH....BITCH...BITCH...BITCH....BITCH!!

Letterman: [uncontrollable laughter]

Fox: [uncontrollable blushing] departs running off stage

Letterman: "When we come back tonight's top ten list....Top Ten Signs you're a serial stalker! We'll be right back folks!"

[commercial break]

URGENT! CTS and RLV Recalled Today!

Radio Free Hard Alley: WASHINGTON – General Motors says it is recalling more than 50,000 Cadillac CTS vehicles worldwide to fix a loose joint that could cause a rear wheel to become unstable, making it hard for drivers to steer.

GM says the recall affects more than 44,000 CTS vehicles in the United States from the 2009 and 2010 model years. The auto company said nuts in the rear suspension could become loose, causing a sudden change in the vehicle's handling or making the driver lose control of the vehicle. Owners can contact Cadillac at 866-982-2339 for more information.

Meanwhile in HARD ALLEY - Un-Mayor OHanlon has issued a SIM-wide recall of more than 50,000 RLV Residents to pass them a loose joint that could cause their rears to become unstable, making it easier for him to steer them in that direction...so his nuts can slap their rears.  Owners are encouraged to contact Donovan OHanlon in world for a free assessment.

Megan Fox Poses For Blood Digest Magazine!

Radio Free Hard Alley:   PUBLISHING NEWS - The SL magazine Blood Digest probably never expected to find itself in the middle of a spat between two of the Planet's biggest and sexiest stars. Burning Bus Weekly, a Hard Alley periodical, takes a swan dive into the deep end today, running a bizarre item that claims Megan Fox is on the cover of Blood Digest stricktly for personal gain. When OHanlon caught up with the March issue of Blood Digest he was apparently amazed to see Fox on the cover. According to a friend who spilled the beans to Burning Bus Weekly, OHanlon called it a "pathetic" and "desperate" ploy to get his attention.

OHanlon’s “pissed off!” according to the tabloid’s Sharp Stuff section. Why? Because Fox, who graces the March 2011 cover of Blood Digest, was “never into Bloodlines when they were talking at the one party they both attended.” Vampirism is his passion, and “she even made fun of him for it!” alleges an “insider” for Burning Bus Weekly.

OHanlon has appeared on various Blood Digest covers and, claims the “insider,” thinks Megan’s at-home photo shoot is “desperate” and a “role-play to get his attention because she knows he reads the magazine.”

Representatives for actress Megan Fox could not be reached for comment and clarification.

Fox Calls 911 For Un-Mayor's New Phone Number!

Radio Free Hard Alley:     LOS ANGELES - Just when you thought things couldn't get any more embarrassing! In recent days the stalking scandal involving actress Megan Fox and the Hard Alley Un-Mayor Donovan OHanlon has flooded the waves and internet. Shocking revelations and accusations of Ms. Fox's deep fixation with Donovan and her irrational behavior in stalking him have left fans screaming to the internet to learn more facts. Publicists for Megan Fox have categorically denied she's been involved in any form of stalking behaviors, while OHanlon's Staff has provided details proving her guilt including video survelliance camera footage and excerpts of conversations between the two parties. Apparently it's about to get even more embarrassing for the young actress today!

It appears that Los Angeles County District Attorney Steve Cooley might have authorized the leak of a tape of a 911 call recently processed by Emergency Staff in the area. In the recording allegedly Megan Fox herself confronts a Call Center Operator in an attempt to secure OHanlon's new private residence telephone number.

MEGAN FOX 911 Call Transcript:

Operator: "911, what is your emergency?"

Megan Fox: "Operator, I've been trying to get (number redacted). The recording says its been disconnected."

Operator: "Just a moment please."

[pause]

Operator: "I'm sorry, the number's been changed to an unlisted number."

Megan Fox: "Operator, this is a real emergency please. You need to give me that number."

Operator: "I'm sorry. We're not allowed to give out that information."

Megan Fox: "Well *fuck you*!"

Operator: [stiffled laughter] "My place or yours?"

[Megan Fox slams phone]

Asked to provide opinion and analysis, OHanlon reiterated his respect for Megan Fox as an actress and added "Once again, I am sure that Megan will make someone very happy one day....for now I wish she would seek the professional help she needs to overcome this determination she's developed for an SL cross-over with me.  She just cannot seem to keep things RL only....and I'm now starting to worry for her mental and emotional health as this drags on."

Survellience Video Shows Fox's Desperation!

Radio Free Hard Alley:     HAUD PLUVIA - Is Megan Fox serially stalking Un-Mayor Donovan OHanlon? A recently released survellience video appears to show a scantily dressed Fox lurking behind a sofa shared by OHanlon and his wife on Valentine's Night. The couple appears to be sharing a cozy moment alone by a fire at the Haud Pluvia Tavern, while in the backgroud Fox looks on silently.

As the tape progresses OHanlon hears a moan in the background only to find Fox standing behind the happy couple and confronts her. An excerpt of the conversation that followed is provided below. Content Warning: the information below is not suitable for all audiences or small children, reader discretion is advised.

Donovan: "What are you doing?"

Megan: "We're attracted to each other, that's obvious! You're sort of on your own for the night, that's also obvious... we're two adults."

Donovan: "Megan, I'm an avatar....and you're not even allowed here anymore, I have a virtual restraining order now!"

Megan: "Well, what am I supposed to do? You won't answer my calls, you change your number. I mean, I'm not gonna be ignored, Don!"

Donovan: "You're so sad. You know that, Megan? Lonely and very sad."

Megan: "Don't you ever pity me, you smug bastard."

Donovan: "I'll pity you... I'll pity you. I'll pity you because you're sick."

Megan: "Why? Because I won't allow you treat me like some slut you can just have vote for you and throw in the garbage?"

Donovan: "You come near my family again, and I'll kill you!"

Megan Fox ejected from Haud Pluvia Land and Estate Banned

Megan: "Shit, shit, shit! Shit, shit, shit!"

Fox's Stalking of OHanlon Worse Than Previously Thought!

Radio Free Hard Alley:      LOS ANGELES - In the aftermath of her recent arrest on charges of trespassing in the Un-Mayor OHanlon stalking case, publicists for actress Megan Fox have come out swinging and vehemently denying the star had "any role whatsoever, nor interest, in the recent claims of stalking surrounding Donovan OHanlon." However, despite their claims of innocence, the OHanlon team has today released taped excerpts of calls left on the phone at OHanlon's private residence as proof the disturbed actress "needs help!"

Megan Fox Answering Machine Messages on Donovan's Phone:

[beep] Donovan darling, it's Megan Fox...I met you in the Hardcore Sex and Strip Club on election night, anyway, I've been thinking about you and just thought I'd give you a call and see if you're free. Call me!

[beep] Heya Donovan, it's Megan....giggles....I ummm....yeah I'm just giving you a call....call me back.

[beep] Hi sexy, it's me....I just finished brushing me teeth and figured I'd see if you were up yet...call me.

[beep] Hi Donovan, I was just blow drying my hair, thought I heard the phone ring. Ah... has that ever happened to you? Anyway... call me, we'll talk about it.

[beep] Hey Donovan, just checking in...give me a ring, I'm at (number redacted)

[beep] Okay Don, so here’s how it’s gonna work. Now I'm a celebrity, so when you get home...you're gonna call me...and we'll just go out and have some fun...okay? Call me!

[beep] Donovan, It is now 4:30 on Wednesday. Now I’ll assume, I’ll assume that you’ve already left work, because, you know, some people leave work early, and I’ll grant you that. Hurry up and call me at (number redacted)

[beep] Hey Donovan I'm on a pay phone, so if you're there pick up, pick up, pick up, pick up, pick up, pick up, pick up, pick up, well OK, I'll be home later.

[beep] Okay I'm home, give me a buzz when you get in....I'll be here pretty much all night.

[beep] Hey Don. It's me again. I was just using the potty. Thought you might have called. Okay, later.

[beep] We're havin ourselves quite a little game of phone tag here.

[beep] *silence.............hangs up*

[beep] *silence.............breathing.......hangs up*

[beep] *hangs up*

OHanlon Violated!!! Is NOTHING Sacred?!!

Radio Free Hard Alley:   HAUD PLUVIA - Un-Mayor OHanlon's property was broken into last week. A female identified only as Actress Megan Fox was arrested last Thursday for trespassing on the grounds of the Un-Mayor’s Haud Pluvia cottage.

Thankfully, Donovan OHanlon — who lives at the luxurious medievil timber home with his SL wife Nessa Savira— didn’t come in to contact with the woman as their state-of-the-art security system sent warning signals straight to the Haud Pluvia Guards. “The property is protected by a 24-hour security team that detected and detained the deranged and obsessed Ms. Fox until she was turned over to the custody of Beverly Hills police officers, who arrested her,” said OHanlon’s representative. “The intruder never entered the actual residence, and did not make any contact with either Donovan or Nessa."

Cornered for comment recently as he appeared for the 53rd Annual Grammy Awards, OHanlon simply said "Look, Megan Fox is a nice girl, and she'll make someone very happy someday I'm sure. She just has a real hard time keeping things RL only. She keeps pestering me for some kind of SL cross-over, and that's just not gonna work. I'm happily married in SL....and Megan just needs to get a grip!!"

Un-Mayor Makes Suprize Visit to the White House! Holy Shiat!

Radio Free Hard Alley:     WASHINGTON - One week and three days after Un-Mayor OHanlon declared before an audience that he was now "Un-Mayor", he has come to meet with President Obama in the United States for his first visit with the Commander-in-Chief. He was greeted by White House Staff and Officials, and given the appropriate Head of State treatment his position in regional politics requires. The President was originally scheduled to have a "working dinner" with Afghan President Hamid Karzai at his Presidential Palace in Kabul, but chose to orchestrate this unannounced visit and to meet with Un-Mayor OHanlon, and the First Lady of Hard Alley Nessa Savira, in the capital city. It is believed this urgent visit was called due to the recent unrest in Egypt.

In a pep talk to White House Staff in the Press Room, OHanlon praised their work and expressed cautious optimism about the future. "You are protecting your country. You are achieving your objective. You will succeed in your mission," a casually dapperly dressed OHanlon said to the more than 385 staffers in the audience. "You said you were going to break the nay-sayer's momentum, and that's what you're doing. You're going on the offense, tired of playing defense."

Following his pep talk, OHanlon was escorted along with his wife to the White House Situation Room where he was briefed on the crisis in Cairo. President Obama was straight-forward in acknowledging "I just fucking don't know what to do...and could really use your expert advice". To this OHanlon simply replied "Get your head out of your ass Mr. President, and start acting like an Un-President......bring the hammer down on Mubarak...he'll move." Obama was then seen giving the trademark "hand bump" to OHanlon as they walked to the Oval Office.

In the Oval Office, OHanlon graciously autographed Obama's personal copy of his book "I am Un-Mayor (and neither are you)" which Obama keeps on his desk as a handy desk-side reference. He also penned notes of encouragement to Sasha and Malia advising them to drop out of school and immediately pursue self-appointed political offices of their very own.

After concluding his affairs at the White House, OHanlon met with Alley Press reporters, who learned of OHanlon's arrival independently while on assignment in Hard Alley and were not traveling with the Hard Alley press pool. OHanlon mentioned the casualties of democracy today in his remarks as a sobering reminder that voting failures are costly. "Progress comes at a high price," the Un-Mayor said. "We know their memories will never be forgotten. Their avatars have been added to the estate-banned lists of our Region."

The trip was shrouded in secrecy for security reasons, with the reporters who accompanied the Un-Mayor not permitted to announce his presence until after the exaulted one landed. This visit comes at a pivotal moment for the Un-Mayor, with more than 250 web-hits and counting, and he has vowed to increase that number to more than 100,000.

Sex In Space Bad?! Bullshit!

Radio Free Hard Alley:     NASA - Astronauts sent to colonize Mars would be well advised to avoid getting pregnant en route to the Red Planet.  High-energy particles bombarding the ship would almost certainly sterilize any female fetus conceived in deep space, making it that much more difficult to establish a successful Mars Colony once the crew lands said radiation biophysicist Tore Straume of the NASA Ames Research Center.....Hard Alley:  Responding to the announcement, Un-Mayor OHanlon berrated Dr. Straume's findings as "shabby science of speculation" and demanded to know "the last time this fucking idiot even HAD sex, if EVER?!"   OHanlon followed up with an immediate call for further research and has cleared his calendar for any such tests as "the female staff at NASA may desire".

DeGeneres and OHanlon of Royal Line!

Radio Free Hard Alley:    HOLLYWOOD - Ellen DeGeneres is celebrating after learning she's a distant cousin of royal bride-to-be Kate Middleton. The funny woman has been joking about getting an invite to England's big wedding in April - and now it appears she has a right to be there. The New England Historic Genealogical Society has discovered she's the 15th cousin of Britain's future queen. They are distant cousins......Hard Alley: Not to be outdone by DeGeneres' news, Un-Mayor OHanlon stated that the information was really "no big fucking deal", claiming that he and Prince William were actually switched at birth. Displaying a 26 page Ancestry.com print-out, OHanlon jeered the crowd, insinuating that HE in fact is the rightful heir to Kate Middleton's bed-chamber and vowed to take nay-sayers "by force" should he be deprived of his birthrite......stay tuned.....

King "Un-Retires" To Interview "Un-Mayor"

Radio Free Hard Alley:     NEW YORK - Beloved news personality and icon Larry King swiftly moved out of retirement Tuesday for "the single most important interview of my life" he told collegues. In the hours long interview, King pressed Un-Mayor OHanlon on issues ranging from human sexuality to self-appointed governance. Audiences World-wide (and on the International Space Station) were rivited when OHanlon left King speechless for the first time in his life-long career.

King: "Is it true that you appointed YOURSELF Un-Mayor of Hard Alley?"

OHanlon: "It depends on what the meaning of the word 'is' is. If 'is' means is and never has been, that is not--that is one thing. If it means there is none, that was a completely true statement....Now, if someone had asked me on that day, are you appointing yourself Un-Mayor of Hard Alley, that is, asked me a question in the present tense, I would have said yes. And it would have been completely true."

King was immediately rushed to the nearest trauma center for a suspected embellism.  OHanlon remained on set to enjoy the coffee and gourmet finger sandwiches before returning to his Office.  When reached for comment, Un-Mayor OHanlon simply responded "Oh yeah, it was terrible....tradgic....I mean the sandwiches didn't even have mustard on them....WTF?!"....stay tuned for breaking developments.....

OHanlon Secures Prime Time Cable Show!

Radio Free Hard Alley:     HOLLYWOOD - Notorius Un-Mayor Donovan OHanlon will now have his own Prime Time Cable Commentary Show, and moving to his newly developed network are the lesser known figures Stephen Colbert and Jon Stewart. His new program "The Un-Mayor Factor" will premier soon on the Hard Alley Channel! Barf and hurray!

Known now un-officially in circles as The Trifecta of Tribulation, Stewart seemed upbeat, and Colbert was last seen kneeling on a prayer rug chanting "There is No Un-Mayor but OHanlon, and Stewart is his Prophet!"  Stay tuned as developments unfold.......

OHanlon's Tell All Book Hits The Fan!!

Radio Free Hard Alley:     WORLD PRESS - The much awaited tell all book by Un-Mayor Donovan OHanlon was finally released today, causing traffic to stir world-wide as Residents rushed to secure their own personal copy of his Masterpeice.

In the true OHanlon form that we've all come to expect, the work is magnificently well done and has caused the likes of Stephen King, Rudyard Kipling and Garrison Keiller to barricade themselves in their homes to escape the fallout. To secure your free copy today, IM Donovan OHanlon in world....supplies are unlimited.....so act fast!

Un-Mayor OHanlon Issues Proclamation of Neutrality

Radio Free Hard Alley:     BREAKING NEWS - In a shocking maneuver today, Un-Mayor OHanlon issued the sixth of his Official Proclamations, this time declaring open neutrality amid the current civil unrest in Hard Alley.

Click here to read his Proclamation of Neutrality http://unmayor.blogspot.com

Further details will be released as they are made available......

Another Shocking Meat Recall Over Contamination Fears!

Radio Free Hard Alley:     WASHINGTON - A California company has recalled more than 3,000 pounds of fresh ground beef patties and other packages of ground beef products that may be contaminated with the E. coli bacteria, the U.S. Agriculture Department said Saturday......HARD ALLEY - not suprizingly the USDA recall wasn't simply confined to ground beef! Inspectors decended upon the streets of Hard Alley today and began conducting "random meat inspections", resulting in a recall of nearly 3,000 inches suspected of "contamination". Un-Mayor OHanlon as a result declared Marshall Law and established a curfew for the Reform School Inmates until further notice......more to follow as details emerge.....

Radio Free Hard Alley is Officially International...but will it go Viral?! Hmmmm.

Radio Free Hard Alley:     OUTBREAK ALERT - Since it's inception many fascinating phenomenon have accompanied the Radio Free Hard Alley Blogspot.....laughter...shock and awe.....and even rumors of extra-terrestrial influence and contact...but now.....what's this?!!!

We're not certain what this trend signals, but it appears that the Radio Free Hard Alley service has attracted an ever growing International Audience....and continues to spread daily....like a plague....only in a good way. World-wide people are laughing, spilling coffee, passing links and yes....even yelling and screaming at their screens!  And they do this from their homes, iPhones and wire-less laptops in the United States, Candada, Italy, United Kingdom, Australia, Germany, Brazil, France, Norway, Hong Kong, Puerto Rico, and now today....Morocco and Russia as well.

Like the dazzling display of the Aurora Borealis to a child, or the famed truck headlights in the eyes of a deer...we're not exactly sure what to make of the effects just yet. But the Staff at Radio Free Hard Alley just wishes to thank our Global Readership for adding yet another layer to the dimensions and concept of "String Theory". We'll keep it Blogging, and thank you all for your inspiration! :)

Transfer of Power in the Works?

Radio Free Hard Alley:     HARD ALLEY – An angry rally Friday by nearly 100,000 protesters in Hard Alley, and behind-the-scenes diplomacy from the self-appointed OHanlon administration, piled more pressure on Hard Rust to make a swift decision and allow the new totalitarian government to embark on an immediate path toward monarchy. Un-Mayor Donovan OHanlon said that discussions have begun in the City Hall regarding a turnover of the government, and he called for a "feeling her up period" that begins immediately.....stay tuned for more as details come in to the Situation Room......

There's an Un-Mayor? Why Donovan?

Radio Free Hard Alley:    AARP - There are mixed reactions on the streets of Hard Alley to news that an Un-Mayor has been declared.  The coup has rocked the Blogosphere and sites covering the genocide have erupted with activity from all 4 corners of the globe.  This has been attributed to Residents seeking to make sense of the developing emergency.  Traffic is melting down sites reporting from the disaster area as they attempt to feed the lust for information.  As the situation unfolds we turn our attention now to the figure behind the take over. So, just what is it that makes Donovan the most suitable Un-Mayor? We wanted to find out too!  Responding to the crisis, the Associated Alley Role-play Press (AARP) has dispatched investigative reporters to the region to cover the carnage.  Surveying the 400,000 most recent visitors to Hard Alley (in the past 24 hours) embedded reporters have uncovered some striking details. Either way.....love him or hate him...one thing is certain....there will be a transfer of power.  For now, here are the top 7 responses that explain Un-Mayor Donovan's sudden rise to power.


U nmatched wit and sarcasm

N ever misses a chance to poke fun at everyone, including himself

M akes the extra effort to ensure everyone "finds the mood" while on SIM

A lways thinks quickly on his feet, especially in situations that require creative responses

Y earns to see everyone just have a good ole time

O nly engages in acts of depravity on sim if it's in the Local Chat box

R emembers the most important reason to have an Un-Mayor (the visitors of the streets)



We'll keep you up-to-date as information pours in to our Situation Room.

Un-Mayor Issues His First Official Proclaimations!!

Radio Free Hard Alley:     HARD ALLEY - Newly self-appointed Un-Mayor OHanlon has released to his public the first in his sure to be long line of Official Un-Mayoral Proclaimations. Click here to read and commit these to memory http://unmayor.blogspot.com

Ignorance is no excuse!

Rumsfeld's Book Bad - Donovan's Book Good!

Radio Free Hard Alley:     Former Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld's memoir is already making waves, though it's not due out until next week. The 800-page book, "Known and Unknown," drew a pre-emptive retort from the ACLU's legal director Jameel Jaffer, who said that "Mr. Rumsfeld's claim that the abuse at Abu Ghraib was isolated and aberrational is demonstrably false"....and in Hard Alley...Hard Alley Un-Mayor Donovan OHanlon's memoir is also making waves recently, though it may never actually be due out. The proposed 4 page book, "I am Un-Mayor (and neither are you)", is drawing widespread praise and has peaked the interest of residents throughout the streets. A grand book-signing event is currently in the works. Details will be published as soon as they are available.....in other news.......

Brady and OHanlon to Receive Coveted Awards

Radio Free Hard Alley:     ASSOCIATE PRESS - Tom Brady, the New England Patriots QB has Won AP's Offensive Player of the Year Award on Thursday. He had a spectacular year throwing the football passing for 3,900 yards and 36 TD's. It was Brady's second-best season in terms of touchdowns thrown, with his 50 TD season in 2007 considered to be the best of his career.....ALLEY PRESS - Donovan OHanlon, self-appointed Un-Mayor of Hard Alley has won AP's Offensive Candidate of the Year Award on Thursday. He displayed a remarkable lack of tact and morals, and had his all time best season in terms of Residents scoffed and dumbfounded. It was his self-appointment to office, however, that earned him the well deserved Award....considered by him the "most important thing of his entire Second Life".

We Have A Winner!! Finally!

Radio Free Hard Alley:     IN SPORTS - According to a recent poll, Ben Roethlisberger will be the most disliked player in Super Bowl XLV. A recently released poll shows that the Pittsburgh Steelers quarterback will be the least favorite player on the field at Cowboys Stadium. He is "strongly disliked" three times more than any other player in the game....elsewhere, in Hard Alley....no suprize here.....former Mayoral Candidate Donovan, once favored to win, has recently sunken to a new low. Responding to the news, Donovan issued an official statement that he will "Conform with the Non-Conformists" and has declared himself the "Un-Mayor" of Hard Alley. He plans a pompous parade thoughout the streets in his own honor to celebrate "this monumental achievement", to be immediately followed by his Public Acceptance Speech of his self-appointed position.......stay tuned for more......

Vinny Jones - Bullet Tooth Tony and his Desert Eagle and the 3 Big Brave...

Dicki Leaks Unveils The Details!

Radio Free Hard Alley:     UNDISCLOSED LOCATION - Dicki Leaks experts have completed their analysis of secret communications regarding an unspecified election scandal, and have published their final report to the blogosphere. Shocking revelations of scandal, betrayal and deceit have now rocked the web, and the scope of the fallout is yet to be fully realized. This has been Radio Free Hard Alley.....Good night, and Good Luck!



Click here to view the Dicki Leaks Information:  http://dickileaks.blogspot.com/

The Truth Will Set You Free

Radio Free Hard Alley:     BREAKING NEWS - In recent days, following the post-election fallout in Hard Alley and the subsequent Abolishment of the Mayoral Office in the City Government, allegations of pettiness and child-like behavior have run rampant in the streets. Radio Free Hard Alley investigative reporters have obtained excerpts of election day communications from an undisclosed informant at DickiLeaks. These communications seem to detail a very different picture of the events on election day than the rumors running wildly through the streets. The communications are currently being decyphered and redacted by Dicki experts to protect the identities of those involved....we will publish these communications as soon as they are available.........

Powerful Wins Rock the Blogosphere!

Radio Free Hard Alley:     AUSTRALIA - Third seed Novak Djokovic produced a superb display to beat Andy Murray in straight sets to claim the second Australian Open title of his career.....and in Hard Alley, Candidate Trixianna pulled off a brilliant come back to win the Hard Alley Mayoral Election by employing a cunning strategy of "double voting" that exploited a weakness in the SIMs voting hardware....Candidate Donovan conceeded the election after discovering the failed system and wished Mayor Elect Trixianna well.....Hard Rust could not be reached for comment.......

Should Entertainers Help in World Affairs?

Radio Free Hard Alley: ENTERTAINMENT/POLITICS - Opera singer Jose Carreras says celebrities have a duty to use their popularity to give something back to society. Speaking at the World Economic Forum in Davos, Switzerland, Carreras -- one of the Three Tenors -- said one of the perks of fame was its ability to help important things get done. "It is our duty to use our popularity in order to give as much back to society as we receive from it," he said....Candidate Donovan weighed in on the issue by saying "Just make your fucking records Carreras....and get out of politics....you sound like a scene from Trey Parker and Matt Stone's Team America - World Police....next thing you'll say is that Strip Club Managers should run for Mayor or something....geezus Christ!  Fuckin Retard!".......

Candidate Trixianna Withdrawals From Mayoral Race?!

Radio Free Hard Alley:   HARD ALLEY - Rumors have been heard that Candidate Trixianna Saenz has conceeded defeat in the Hard Alley Mayoral Election, and has privately thrown her support behind Candidate Donovan.....asked for comment Candidate Donovan said that Trixi had run "a spirited campaign" and promised to support her activities as club manager fully......Candidate Trixianna was unavailable for comment......

Vanilla Ice Takes A Fall

Radio Free Hard Alley:     IN MUSIC NEWS - Rapper Vanilla Ice was hospitalized earlier this week after he was knocked unconscious in an ice skating accident. Vanilla Ice (real name Robert Van Winkle) was rehearsing for the U.K. reality TV show "Dancing on Ice," when he suffered a fall on Tuesday.....in a twist from the OHanlon Campaign, Candidate Donovan dodged the cameras and laughed while entering his SUV....rumor is that he was over-heard telling an associate "Why do these people even give a shit about that guy anymore....geeze....by the way....tell him he still owes me that fuckin money, no matter how bad it hurt!".......

Pyramids made inside-out? How about the ladies?!

Radio Free Hard Alley:     ARCHAEOLOGY - French architect Jean-Pierre Houdin says his years-long study of the Great Pyramid of Giza suggests that it was built inside-out and that two unexplored chambers are hidden at the heart of the ancient structure. So far, Egyptian authorities haven't taken his ideas all that seriously, but there's a chance they'll actually be put to the test this year.....and in Hard Alley, Candidate Donovan claims that more "inside-out probes" should be conducted of the female visitors in the streets, and that he suspects there are more "unexplored chambers within them" that he knows contain vast treasures.......

Hang In There, or just Hang Out There?! You decide!

Radio Free Hard Alley:     IN POLITICS - A reporter recently asked Vice President Joe Biden Thursday to give some good advice for the unemployed. He provided a list of recent improvements to the economy, while expressing sympathy for those struggling to get by without a regular income. "So the message is 'hang in there?'" asked reporter Anna Robertson. "The message is hang in there," he repeated......asked to weigh in, Candidate Donovan implied that people need to stop whining and use this unemployment as an opportunity to spend more time in Hard Alley...and let their genitals just "Hang Out There"......

Hollywood Partied Out?!

Radio Free Hard Alley:     HOLLYWOOD - Another day. Another porn star party. Another hospitalization for Charlie Sheen. The troubled actor was rushed to Cedars-Sinai hospital in Los Angeles early Thursday morning after suffering from “severe abdominal pains.” According to TMZ, Sheen had “a briefcase full of cocaine” delivered to his house, and proceeded to use copious amounts amid a 36-hour bender which involved partying with two porn stars and a bevy of other women.....having just come from the party Candidate Donovan simply told the crowd it was really no big deal...and that Sheen was just "being a pussy" and couldn't keep up........

Social Security Nearly Drained?!

Radio Free Hard Alley:   WASHINGTON -- Sick and getting sicker, Social Security will run at a deficit this year and keep on running in the red until its trust funds are drained by about 2037, congressional budget experts said Wednesday in bleaker-than-previous estimates....meanwhile, Candidate Donovan said that his RP is running a surplus so far this year and is in "no danger of being fully drained"......

Election Dates Moved Up on SIM?!?

Radio Free Hard Alley:   HARD ALLEY - In an apparent shift in the election tides, Billboards and Signage in the streets of Hard Alley indicate that Election Day has been moved forward to JAN 29th....ahead of the previously scheduled FEB 19th date......Hard Rust was not available for comment......stay tuned as Radio Free Hard Alley attempts to confirm this information.....more to follow..

Suing for "Oral Injuries"?!

Radio Free Hard Alley:     WASHINGTON - Rep. Dennis Kucinich, the Ohio Democratic representative, is suing a House of Representatives cafeteria service provider for $150,000 for allegedly selling him a sandwich wrap with a stray olive pit in it that caused "serious and permanent damage" to his mouth and wellbeing....Candidate Donovan, on hand to lobby for the recently proposed Freedom of Masturbation Act, was standing by Kucinich when the announcement was made.....Candidate Donovan, hearing the news, rolled his eyes and squared Kucinich right in the mouth causing further "serious and permanent damage" in defense of the Food Service Workers Union.........

Man Wants Police Protection....from Sex?!! WTF!

Radio Free Hard Alley:     GERMANY - A Turkish man living in Germany with his wife of 18 years went to police for protection from her insatiable appetite for sex, Bild newspaper reported Wednesday. He told police he slept on a sofa for the past four years in a futile attempt to escape the voracious embraces of his wife....in response to the drama Candidate Donovan simply said "Are you kidding me?! What a Moron!".....while Candidates Kane and Trixianna called for immediate street protests to proclaim "WTF?!?" and have called upon Shade Luminos for assistance with the rallies......

Northeast Slammed by Storm

Radio Free Hard Alley:     BOSTON – The Northeast girded itself as it was again "slammed" by a fast-moving storm moving full-force into the region overnight, bringing an icy mix of snow and rain, stranding hundreds of airplane passengers, and leaving more than 300,000 customers in and around the nation's capital without power.....while in the Alley.....women in the streets scurried to girdle themselves once again as fast moving Candidate Donovan "slammed into them full-force" bringing an icy mixture of blow and pain, romping hundreds of unsuspectors, and leaving more than 1,000 ladies without bowels......in other news......

Calm After Mandela Admitted for Tests?

Radio Free Hard Alley:     SOUTH AFRICA - South Africa's ruling party urges calm after Nelson Mandela was hospitalized for testing. The South African ruling party appealed for calm Thursday citing that Mandela is 92 years old, and no longer a young man.....approached for commentary, Candidate Donovan simply urged the public to remain calm, and sought to reassure the public that Mandela's tests were in "No Way Connected" to the current round of testing on "Furries" at the Lynden Labs Headquarters in Hard Alley......

Missionary Killed in Mexico!

Radio Free Hard Alley:     MEXICO - An American missionary was killed Wednesday when they were shot in Mexico, police said. American authorities are investigating the circumstances surrounding the grizzly shooting, and the Mexican Interior Ministry said it, too, was investigating "for the purpose of clarifying the facts and act accordingly to punish the person or persons responsible." Meanwhile, in Hard Alley, Candidate Donovan has proposed legislation that would effectively "kill missionary" on the SIM while simultaneously pleasuring the persons involved.......

DHS Color Coded Alert System Going Away So Soon?!

Radio Free Hard Alley:     WASHINGTON - The much-maligned, color-coded Homeland Security Advisory System is about to be consigned to the proverbial dustbin of history. Not that anyone is really paying attention.  Homeland Security Secretary Janet Napolitano is expected to announce Thursday that the almost 9-year-old threat alert system will go away in April.....Meanwhile in the Hardcore Sex and Strip Club, owner Hard Rust has downgraded the club from Elmo to Cookie Monster after street protests against Candidate Kane were quelled early this morning......

Civil Unrest in Egypt

Radio Free Hard Alley:     EGYPT - Thousands of Egyptians vented their rage against President Hosni Mubarak's autocratic government in a second day of protests Wednesday that defied a ban on public gatherings. Baton-wielding police responded with tear gas and beatings in a crackdown that showed zero tolerance for dissent.....the response was cause for concern in the streets of Hard Alley, as Candidate Kane has been rumored to be staging Protests to the Candidacy of Trixianna...."for the hell of it"......in other news.....

Breast Implants Linked to Rare Cancer

Radio Free Hard Alley:     IN MEDICAL NEWS - The Food and Drug Administration says it has found a possible link between breast implants and a very rare type of cancer. After reviewing data published between 1997 and 2010, the agency determined people with both saline and silicone gel-filled implants have a small but significant risk of anaplastic large cell lymphoma (ALCL) a form of non-Hodgkins lymphoma.....when asked about the findings Candidate Donovan expressed remorse and stated that he will truly miss his dear opponent Trixi...and anticipates her painless and rapid demise.......

Do All Fruity Foods Contain Fruits?

Radio Free Hard Alley:     IN NUTRITION HEADLINES - An investigation released today finds many fruity foods don't contain real fruit. An investigation by the nonprofit Consumer Wellness Center has revealed that a large number of commercial blueberry food products do not contain real blueberries....in Hard Alley however Candidate Trixianna was shocked by the findings and pointed out that many fruity avatars on the streets of Hard Alley DO contain "real fruits"....while Candidate Donovan simply unzipped his fly releasing himself and then said "Isn't that a Peach!"......

Federal Deficit Set To Reach Record High

Radio Free Hard Alley:     FEDERAL SPENDING - The Federal Deficit is set to hit a record high. President Obama, determined to spark job creation and competitiveness, sees a sobering estimate that says the government's deficit will hit $1.5 trillion, guaranteeing heated debates over spending cuts and federal borrowing....meanwhile, in Hard Alley...Rodisson Belic is set to reach a record high, and Dina Swansong is set to reach a record gang-bang on Friday the Donovan Campaign reports.......

Dead Man on Lake Not Foul-play!

Radio Free Hard Alley:     IN LAW ENFORCEMENT - Foul play is not suspected in the Saturday shooting of a fisherman on Falcon Lake, a waterway straddling the U.S.-Mexico border known for piracy and drug trafficking-related violence, the Zapata County Sheriff in Texas said.....Foul Play is however suspected in the recent abrupt withdrawal of Poptart from the Hard Alley Mayoral Election Campaign....more to follow as developments unfold.....

Political Crisis in Ireland

Radio Free Hard Alley:     IRELAND - Embattled Irish Prime Minister Brian Cowen said Saturday that he will step down as leader of the Fianna Fail political party but stay on as prime minister until the March 11 elections. A new leader will be elected at a special party meeting on Wednesday afternoon......meanwhile in Hard Alley.....Candidate Poptart Paine has in a suprize election move withdrawn from the Hard Alley Mayoral Election Campaign.....when reached for comment, Candidate Donovan said of Poptarts withdrawal "it's a bold campaign strategy....I hope it pays off for her....cause that's a pretty big gamble! Wow!"......in other news......

Tourists Visit Virgins in Israel

Radio Free Hard Alley:     JERUSALEM - Israel is inviting tourists to retrace the footsteps of the Virgin Mary, officials said Tuesday, in the latest campaign to bring Christian pilgrims to the Holy Land. A new itinerary developed by the Tourism Ministry helps tour operators plan pilgrimages to sites where the mother of Christ lived and traveled. They include her birthplace near Nazareth in northern Israel, as well as Mary's Spring and the Tomb of the Virgin near Jerusalem.....when asked if he would visit....Candidate Donovan replied "What?!! I'm sorry.....I just can't see any use for all these damn Virgins anymore! Geeze!!!"......

DEA Struggles with new Bath Salts

Radio Free Hard Alley:    AROUND THE NATION - When Neil Brown got high on dangerous chemicals sold as bath salts, he took his skinning knife and slit his face and stomach repeatedly. Brown survived, but authorities say others haven't been so lucky after snorting, injecting or smoking powders with such innocuous-sounding names as Ivory Wave, Red Dove and Vanilla Sky.....when asked about the trend Candidate Donovan simply replied...."Yes, I bathe everyday.....oh.....ummmm, you may need to ask Roddison Belic about that sorta shit I think".

The Pope on "Absolute Rights"

Radio Free Hard Alley:    THE VATICAN - Pope Benedict XVI told priests Saturday to do a better job counseling would-be spouses to ensure their marriages last and said no one has an absolute right to a wedding......elsewhere......at Sister Ana's Church of Oral Pleasures, Candidate Donovan told a crowd of lady supporters that they have an ABSOLUTE RIGHT to be absolved of their sins, "just step right into the confessional".......

Space Probe Closing In

Radio Free Hard Alley:     IN SPACE NEWS - NASA's Stardust Probe Readies itself for its rendezvous with Comet Tempel 1....while across the galaxy Mayoral Candidate Donovan readies his balls for a rendezvous with opponent Kane Landfall's temple.....both landings are expected to occur without incident on Valentine's Day......

Palin's Ratings Down, but Donovan's Numbers "Up"!

Radio Free Hard Alley: This Just In: Sarah Palin's unfavorable rating among women has gone up 10 points. And 59 percent of those all-important independent voters don't like her -- and that's up a stunning 14 points in just a few months......and in other news.....Candidate Donovan's approval rating has gone up by nearly 56 points, due in large part to his cock being a generous 10 inches......Stay Tuned.

Wiki the End of Diplomacy?!

Radio Free Hard Alley:   In National News: Since the WikiLeaks scandal exploded at the end of last year, many commentators have declared this episode marks "the end of diplomacy."......Candidate Donovan scoffed at the assertion, coughing and walking abruptly away from the cameras mumbling to his press secretary "Whatever you have to do, keep them from releasing those fucking pictures".......on now to Local News....

Don't Ask Don't Tell Policy Costs are High

Radio Free Hard Alley: Breaking News: 'Don't ask, don't tell' cost tops $50,000 per expulsion, study finds.....in response to this data Candidate Donovan released a study of his own that claims that it costs 0L$ per excretion at his Campaign HQ.....angry citizen Kev could not be reached for confirmation on the cost of either .....in other news...

New Legislative Initiative Underway in the House

Radio Free Hard Alley: This Just In: House Speaker John Boehner announced Thursday that the House of Representatives will consider legislation to permanently bar federal funding for elective abortions, calling the measure "one of our highest legislative priorities.".....Candidate Donovan on the other hand proclaimed that his highest priority is to get his balls massaged today.....more information as this story develops......

New Breastfeeding Initiative in America

Radio Free Hard Alley: In Medical Headlines: Surgeon General Dr. Regina Benjamin is launching a “Call to Action to Support Breastfeeding" initiative this week.....Candidate Donovan sharply criticized this initiative citing it's lack of a mandate that all breastfeedings be conducted in public, calling it the "greatest disservice to men yet inflicted upon mankind"......your reading Radio Free Hard Alley.......

South Koreans Rescue Ship at Sea

Radio Free Hard Alley: Special Alert: South Korean special forces stormed a hijacked freighter in the Arabian Sea on Friday, rescuing all 21 crew members and killing eight assailants in a rare and bold raid on Somali pirates. South Korea said they could not confirm if Candidate Poptart was one of those killed, but she's sure not in Hard Alley.....Across the Globe Candidate Donovan conducted a Panti Raid this morning at Madame Candace's House of Ill Repute....seizing an undisclosed number of soiled garments from the laundry room......stay tuned......

Too Hot for Television

Radio Free Hard Alley: In America Today: Parents Group "The Parents Television Council" Petitions Congress and the Attorney General to Investigate MTV for Child Pornography in it's latest hit show, the 'Skins' Series......in Hard Alley: Candidate Donovan petitions SIM Owner Hard Rust to allow him to star in an upcoming Porn Release......check back for updates......

California Woman Benefits from Larynx Transplant

Radio Free Hard Alley: On the Science and Technology front: A 52-year-old California woman became the second person in the world to receive a larynx transplant in October, restoring her ability to speak and breathe on her own....when located in the Hardcore Sex and Strip Club for comment, Candidate Donovan quickly withdrew his cock from DJ Suff's throat and darted out zipping his pants frantically saying "Holy fuck...she can talk again? Shit!!"....his attorney could not be reached for clarification......on to other news.......

Knox Evidence to be retested

Radio Free Hard Alley: Italy: Amanda Knox, the American convicted in December 2009 of the sexual assault and murder of her British roommate in Italy, is "cautiously optimistic" as she begins the lengthy appellate process in Perugia, Italy......two forensic experts have taken an oath to uphold objectivity as they retest crucial forensic evidence used to convict Knox, 23, and her former boyfriend Raffaele Sollecito, of killing Meredith Kercher in Perugia.......when contacted for comment the Donovan Campaign replied "Oh hell yeah she's hawt.....oh wait....did you say they're re-testing all that shit? Oh fuck...can they really do that?" Candidate Donovan was later seen fleeing the streets in an unmarked SUV.

Dutch patient chained to wall for hours

Radio Free Hard Alley: A Dutch documentary about a mentally ill and potentially dangerous 18-year-old has prompted lawmakers in the Netherlands to re-examine the permissible treatment of those in psychiatric care. Brandon van Ingen has spent part of his days tethered to a wall due to the danger he poses to others, according to State Secretary for Public Health Marlies Veldhuijzen van Zanten-Hyllner.....pressed for comment regarding the treatment of this young man....Candidate Donovan simply replied "Lucky fucking bastard! Son of a Bitch!!".....

Mexican Drugmen Killed by Police on the Border

Radio Free Hard Alley: Northern Mexico: Soldiers patrolling a rural area on the border with Texas killed 10 suspected drug gang gunmen at a training camp, Mexico's Defense Department said Saturday.....when contacted for an Official Statment....Candidate Donovan merely replied "Was Kane there? Is he one of the dead? No!!!!! Fuck!!!!!! God-dammit....get that fucking Police Chief back on the phone!"

The President and the Pigskin

Radio Free Hard Alley: Washington: The President and the Pigskin..... Last week, Obama told hometown paper, The Chicago Tribune, that he "is going no doubt" if the Chicago Bears make it to Super Bowl XLV. He also predicted they would do just that. Unfortunately they lost to the Green Bay Packers, and will not advance......Elsewhere....In Hard Alley.....The Candidate and the Foreskin....in a scandalous revelation, Candidate Kane admitted today his vast fascination with the male scrotum....thus explaining his many camming episodes throughout the SIM.....stay tuned.

Ron Paul looking for a change?!

Radio Free Hard Alley: Texas: Only three weeks into the 112th Congress and oddsmakers are pondering whether Texas Rep. Ron Paul could become the next Sen. Kay Bailey Hutchison. Paul told the National Journal on Thursday that's he is not even considering it -- and still is weighing another presidential bid in 2012......When asked for his assessment of the congressional situation in Texas, Candidate Donovan said "Well, at least it's better than Candidate Kane trying to become Trixianna....sheesh...wouldn't that be a mess!"

From the Political Forefront

Radio Free Hard Alley: In Politics: Colin Powell made waves in 2008 when he endorsed Barack Obama over John McCain, but the former GOP Secretary of State says he's not sure he'll back Obama again in 2012....and in Hard Alley today....Candidate Trixianna announced that she's not yet ready to endorse Candidate Donovan, though Candidate Kane is....but said that she's obviously ready to bed him as soon as Ayrx isn't looking......

Instability in Ireland's Government

Radio Free Hard Alley:     In Election News: Ireland's government was in tatters Monday after the junior coalition partners pulled out, as talks were set to start on fast-tracking a key finance bill in a move that would bring forward elections......while half a world away.....Hard Alley's Government continued to operate "normally" despite the withdrawal of Poptart....as talks are under way for a Campaign Rally this Saturday Night for Candidate Donovan...rumors are about that a monumental record breaking gang-bang may be in the works...more to follow as this story develops.

Chicago Mayoral Legal Troubles

Radio Free Hard Alley:     CHICAGO – An Illinois appeals court threw former White House Chief of Staff Rahm Emanuel off the ballot for Chicago mayor Tuesday because he didn't live in the city in the year before the election. The decision cast doubt over Emanuel's candidacy just a month before the election....while in Hard Alley, in the wake of the news from Chicago, Candidate Donovan called upon the Hard Alley City Council to immediately enact the same brute measures against Candidate Kane because "it's just a great excuse to fuck the guy over!"....

Hope in Sight for Iraqi Refugees

Radio Free Hard Alley:     BAGHDAD – The head of the U.N. refugee agency expressed hope Monday that the end was in sight for Iraq's refugee crisis but called on the new government to develop a plan to tackle sensitive issues like property rights for those who return....pressed for input Candidate Donovan summarized by saying "what the world REALLY needs is a plan to tackle sensitive issues, such as his nuts, and restore freedom of sexual expression to patrons of Hard Alley", and expressed hope for more fully involved RP in the streets of the notorious Urban Forced RP SIM".....Candidate Kane was again unavailable to provide an intelligent retort.......

Dangerous Gas Leaks Detected, Crisis Averted!

Radio Free Hard Alley:     OHIO - All 3,200 residents of Fairport Harbor, Ohio, were told to evacuate Monday morning after gas leaks caused fires and explosions in neighboring homes and suburbs.....no one was hurt in the blasts......elsewhere.....Residents were forced to evacuate Hard Alley for a recent SIM restart after similar gas releases were detected in the streets. Candidate Trixianna is suspected of having released the gases after a night of consuming Burritos at a local establishment.....

Northeast Cold Snap

Radio Free Hard Alley: In The Northeast - The phrase "it's cold outside" doesn't begin to describe it. With the mercury well below zero in parts of the Northeast, people in New York and the New England states are facing some of the coldest temperatures the region has seen in years....and the streets of Hard Alley are apparently not immune from this recent streak of cold.....as evidenced by males hiding in Private Chat for the fear of "shrinkage"....Candidate Donovan blames the trend on a lack of high pressures "coming in from the South"....and "pre-Dicks" a thaw in the wake of his election to office.....

Rapist Terrorized

Radio Free Hard Alley:     DETROIT - Detroit police have arrested a man suspected to be the rapist who "terrorized" women on the city's Northeast side, the police chief said Monday....Candidate Donovan called on Washington to intervene in this "Terrorism of the Population" and vowed to offer "clemency and sanctuary" to this obviously oppressed citizen in the Hard Alley Streets if elected......

Oprah's Dirty Little Secret!

Radio Free Hard Alley:     IN OPRAH NEWS - After promising to reveal a big family secret on-air, talk-show host Oprah Winfrey has confessed that she recently learned she has a half-sister she never knew about......not to be outdone....Candidate Donovan replied to the announcement that he has recently learned that he has a disturbing fascination with "Furry Sex" that he previously never knew about...Candidates Trixi and Kane hastily declined to offer details of their deepest secrets......

Billy Graham expresses regrets?!

Radio Free Hard Alley:     IN RELIGIOUS HEADLINES - Billy Graham, the beloved evangelist known as "America's Pastor" says that looking back on his long life and public ministry, one thing he would do differently is to avoid the political entanglements that have been one of the rare blots on his otherwise hallowed legacy.....in response to this revelation, Candidate Trixianna issued a public service announcement stating that she shares similar regrets entering the Hard Alley Mayoral Race due to her "deep commitment to monogamy and WOW-widowhood".....

Moscow announces plans for revenge!

Radio Free Hard Alley: MOSCOW – Prime Minister Vladimir Putin vowed revenge Tuesday for the suicide bombing that killed 35 people at a Moscow airport — a familiar tough-on-terrorism stance that has underpinned his power but also led to a rising number of deadly attacks in Russia......Meanwhile....Candidate Kane has vowed revenge for the Cum Coating his Campaign Poster recently received in the streets...while Candidate Donovan has accepted full responsibility for the "outburst"....but says his nuts feel much better now.......

World Health Fund in Crisis?!

Radio Free Hard Alley:     GENEVA – Germany's development ministry said Wednesday it will halt all payments to a $21.7 billion global health fund until it gets answers about corruption allegations raised in articles by The Associated Press.....In response to the crisis Candidate Donovan announced his support for the Hard Alley Clinic to immediately begin providing "free screenings"...and assured the World Population that "corruption shall continue....just as they voted for"......in other news......

Broadcast News too Sexy?!!

Radio Free Hard Alley:     BROADCAST NEWS - Many stations try to increase their following and gain male viewers by featuring attractive female news anchors, often having them dress in clothing that highlights their sexuality.  While this technique boosts ratings, research suggests men don't properly digest television news as a result....cornered for an opinion on the latest research results, Candidate Donovan said "Oh like they have any real news to fucking report on anyway!"....he further suggested that the "Hot Factor" was crucial to all future television broadcasts and called for more hotness in the city streets.......

Is this guy even serious?!

Radio Free Hard Alley:     Opinion Editorial News - Tyler Blanski recently published an op-ed on CNN that states that "When it comes to sex, many Christians confuse the fences for the playground. Christian sexuality at its best is actually an expression of what churchgoers call the trinitarian life - a holistic, all-encompassing, committed love, the kind of love we reach for in marriage. A single person’s sex life does not have to mean the sex act itself. It can be a harvesting of all that sexual energy and directing it towards something bigger than sex itself.".....Candidate Donovan in response said "Who The Fuck Is This Goon?!! OMG he's so fucking stupid! Bring him down here so I can beat his ass!!"....more to follow.....

Rhonda Aikman Finally a Free Woman!

Radio Free Hard Alley:      DALLAS - Former Dallas Cowboys star quarterback Troy Aikman has separated from his wife. "This has been a difficult decision for Rhonda and me, but after 10 years of marriage we have decided to separate," Aikman tells The Dallas Morning News.....in Hard Alley.....hearing the news, Candidate Donovan smacked his lips while cracking his knuckles and looked around a crowd of unsavory men asking "Ok, so who's gonna tap that ass?!".....coming up next....

Castration for Sex Offenders?!

Radio Free Hard Alley:     RICHMOND, Va. -- A Virginia legislator is proposing castrating sex offenders as an alternative to the increasing costs to detain and treat them after they've served their prison sentences. Republican Sen. Emmett Hanger's bill would require the state to study the use of physical castration as an alternative to civil commitment for sexually violent predators. A similar proposal was vetoed four years ago.....pressed for opinion on the castration legislation, Candidate Donovan quickly cupped his groin, winced his face and replied somewhat confused... "Ummm....they wanna do what the fuck to Kane again?!!!"

Bank Seizures in Ivory Coast

Radio Free Hard Alley:     IVORY COAST - Incumbent leader Larurent Gbagbo's government has ordered the seizure of the regional cetral bank's offices in Ivory Coast in an attempt to retain control of state finances after being cut off from the money used to pay civil servants....asked about the extreme measures Candidate Donovan scoffed at the idea, but said that local government in Hard Alley should participate in "seizures of assets wherever possible" in an attempt to improve his personal frequency of RP.....in other news......

Environmental Laws Ruin Detergents

Radio Free Hard Alley:    ENVIRONMENTAL NEWS - Thanks to environmental protection laws passed in 16 states, dish detergent manufacturers have been forced to remove powerful cleansing agents called phosphates from their formulas nationwide. The result? Detergents that don't clean, reported Tampa Bay Online......in a surprise response Candidate Trixianna just stared blankly at the camera chewing a finger-nail while Candidate Kane suggested perhaps what's next is laundry detergent......Candidate Donovan called the measure a reflection of our "failing education system", and urged others to protest by offering him oral sex in the Strip Club........

Innovation called for in State of the Union

Radio Free Hard Alley:     STATE OF THE UNION - In his long awaited State of the Union Address, President Obama called for united efforts to secure America's prosperity, and suggested that America must "out-innovate" the rest of the world to remain competitive....Meanwhile, in Hard Alley....Candidate Donovan called for united efforts to improve public sex acts.....suggesting that everyone just needs to relax...and perhaps try to "out-masturbate" the remainder of the world, but insists he doesn't want it to be repetitive...........

More Storms to Pound the Northeast

Radio Free Hard Alley:     WEATHER ALERT - A quick-hitting storm is expected to coat most of the Northeastern United States and parts of the South with snow Wednesday, forecasters said. The National Weather Service issued winter storm warnings and advisories that stretched from Maine to northern Mississippi. Hartford, Connecticut and the Boston area could get as much as 10 inches of snow by Wednesday night, the weather service reported....In response to the emergency declaration Candidate Donovan urged the public to remain calm and called upon citizens to stock up on emergency supplies in case of a power outage....he was later seen departing a local grocery with a shopping cart full of Lube, Scented Candles and Cheap Boxed Wine.....