As The Sheen Fades, OHanlon Shines On!

Radio Free Hard Alley:     NEW YORK – Leave it to Charlie Sheen to upstage the Oscars. A day after Hollywood's biggest show, the troubled actor dominated the headlines with threats of a lawsuit, two riveting morning show interviews, a rambling live stream on an Internet website. And by midday Monday, his veteran publicist had quit. It was just another day for the self-described party animal whose use of drugs, alcohol, prostitutes and pornstars combined to shut down the top-rated comedy on television, "Two and a Half Men."

"I'm tired of pretending like I'm not special," Sheen said. "I'm tired of pretending I'm not a total bitchin rock star from Mars. You can't process me with a normal brain."

"I am on a drug. It's called Charlie Sheen. It's not available because if you try it once, you will die, and your children will weep over your exploded body."

"I was banging seven gram rocks and finishing them because thats how I roll."

"The run I was on made Sinatra, Flynn, Jagger, Richards, all of them just look like droopy-eyed armless children. I’ve one speed, I’ve one gear, go! And I dare you to keep up with me,”

In the interviews, Sheen insisted that he is currently sober and says he welcomes drug testing. How did he get sober? "I closed my eyes and made it so with the power of my mind," he told NBC.

"AA was written for normal people, people that aren't special. People that don't have tiger blood, you know, Adonis DNA." He, presumably, has that Adonis DNA. And people who relapse? "Fools. Trolls. Weak. Defeated. They allowed defeat to be an option."

Hearing the news that Sheen has Adonis DNA, Un-Mayor OHanlon suddenly realized that Charlie Sheen was actually his long lost brother from Mars, and restated his previous claim that Sheen's still a pussy for not outlasting OHanlon at Sheen's recent pornstar party. "Charlie's such a pussy! He totally crapped out and couldn't fuck anymore....and ultimately wimped out and went to the hospital....what a goon....but hey, he's my brother...so don't any of you try to say that about him!"

Asked about Sheen's pornstar prowess...OHanlon simply apologized to the ladies and said candidly "I should never have brought you over to his place with me....he's such a fucking loser....but hey, I'll make it up to you....party at my place on Wednesday lovelies!"