The Truth Will Set You Free

Radio Free Hard Alley:     BREAKING NEWS - In recent days, following the post-election fallout in Hard Alley and the subsequent Abolishment of the Mayoral Office in the City Government, allegations of pettiness and child-like behavior have run rampant in the streets. Radio Free Hard Alley investigative reporters have obtained excerpts of election day communications from an undisclosed informant at DickiLeaks. These communications seem to detail a very different picture of the events on election day than the rumors running wildly through the streets. The communications are currently being decyphered and redacted by Dicki experts to protect the identities of those involved....we will publish these communications as soon as they are available.........

Powerful Wins Rock the Blogosphere!

Radio Free Hard Alley:     AUSTRALIA - Third seed Novak Djokovic produced a superb display to beat Andy Murray in straight sets to claim the second Australian Open title of his career.....and in Hard Alley, Candidate Trixianna pulled off a brilliant come back to win the Hard Alley Mayoral Election by employing a cunning strategy of "double voting" that exploited a weakness in the SIMs voting hardware....Candidate Donovan conceeded the election after discovering the failed system and wished Mayor Elect Trixianna well.....Hard Rust could not be reached for comment.......

Should Entertainers Help in World Affairs?

Radio Free Hard Alley: ENTERTAINMENT/POLITICS - Opera singer Jose Carreras says celebrities have a duty to use their popularity to give something back to society. Speaking at the World Economic Forum in Davos, Switzerland, Carreras -- one of the Three Tenors -- said one of the perks of fame was its ability to help important things get done. "It is our duty to use our popularity in order to give as much back to society as we receive from it," he said....Candidate Donovan weighed in on the issue by saying "Just make your fucking records Carreras....and get out of politics....you sound like a scene from Trey Parker and Matt Stone's Team America - World Police....next thing you'll say is that Strip Club Managers should run for Mayor or something....geezus Christ!  Fuckin Retard!".......

Candidate Trixianna Withdrawals From Mayoral Race?!

Radio Free Hard Alley:   HARD ALLEY - Rumors have been heard that Candidate Trixianna Saenz has conceeded defeat in the Hard Alley Mayoral Election, and has privately thrown her support behind Candidate Donovan.....asked for comment Candidate Donovan said that Trixi had run "a spirited campaign" and promised to support her activities as club manager fully......Candidate Trixianna was unavailable for comment......

Vanilla Ice Takes A Fall

Radio Free Hard Alley:     IN MUSIC NEWS - Rapper Vanilla Ice was hospitalized earlier this week after he was knocked unconscious in an ice skating accident. Vanilla Ice (real name Robert Van Winkle) was rehearsing for the U.K. reality TV show "Dancing on Ice," when he suffered a fall on Tuesday.....in a twist from the OHanlon Campaign, Candidate Donovan dodged the cameras and laughed while entering his SUV....rumor is that he was over-heard telling an associate "Why do these people even give a shit about that guy anymore....geeze....by the way....tell him he still owes me that fuckin money, no matter how bad it hurt!".......

Pyramids made inside-out? How about the ladies?!

Radio Free Hard Alley:     ARCHAEOLOGY - French architect Jean-Pierre Houdin says his years-long study of the Great Pyramid of Giza suggests that it was built inside-out and that two unexplored chambers are hidden at the heart of the ancient structure. So far, Egyptian authorities haven't taken his ideas all that seriously, but there's a chance they'll actually be put to the test this year.....and in Hard Alley, Candidate Donovan claims that more "inside-out probes" should be conducted of the female visitors in the streets, and that he suspects there are more "unexplored chambers within them" that he knows contain vast treasures.......

Hang In There, or just Hang Out There?! You decide!

Radio Free Hard Alley:     IN POLITICS - A reporter recently asked Vice President Joe Biden Thursday to give some good advice for the unemployed. He provided a list of recent improvements to the economy, while expressing sympathy for those struggling to get by without a regular income. "So the message is 'hang in there?'" asked reporter Anna Robertson. "The message is hang in there," he repeated......asked to weigh in, Candidate Donovan implied that people need to stop whining and use this unemployment as an opportunity to spend more time in Hard Alley...and let their genitals just "Hang Out There"......

Hollywood Partied Out?!

Radio Free Hard Alley:     HOLLYWOOD - Another day. Another porn star party. Another hospitalization for Charlie Sheen. The troubled actor was rushed to Cedars-Sinai hospital in Los Angeles early Thursday morning after suffering from “severe abdominal pains.” According to TMZ, Sheen had “a briefcase full of cocaine” delivered to his house, and proceeded to use copious amounts amid a 36-hour bender which involved partying with two porn stars and a bevy of other women.....having just come from the party Candidate Donovan simply told the crowd it was really no big deal...and that Sheen was just "being a pussy" and couldn't keep up........

Social Security Nearly Drained?!

Radio Free Hard Alley:   WASHINGTON -- Sick and getting sicker, Social Security will run at a deficit this year and keep on running in the red until its trust funds are drained by about 2037, congressional budget experts said Wednesday in bleaker-than-previous estimates....meanwhile, Candidate Donovan said that his RP is running a surplus so far this year and is in "no danger of being fully drained"......

Election Dates Moved Up on SIM?!?

Radio Free Hard Alley:   HARD ALLEY - In an apparent shift in the election tides, Billboards and Signage in the streets of Hard Alley indicate that Election Day has been moved forward to JAN 29th....ahead of the previously scheduled FEB 19th date......Hard Rust was not available for comment......stay tuned as Radio Free Hard Alley attempts to confirm this information.....more to follow..

Suing for "Oral Injuries"?!

Radio Free Hard Alley:     WASHINGTON - Rep. Dennis Kucinich, the Ohio Democratic representative, is suing a House of Representatives cafeteria service provider for $150,000 for allegedly selling him a sandwich wrap with a stray olive pit in it that caused "serious and permanent damage" to his mouth and wellbeing....Candidate Donovan, on hand to lobby for the recently proposed Freedom of Masturbation Act, was standing by Kucinich when the announcement was made.....Candidate Donovan, hearing the news, rolled his eyes and squared Kucinich right in the mouth causing further "serious and permanent damage" in defense of the Food Service Workers Union.........

Man Wants Police Protection....from Sex?!! WTF!

Radio Free Hard Alley:     GERMANY - A Turkish man living in Germany with his wife of 18 years went to police for protection from her insatiable appetite for sex, Bild newspaper reported Wednesday. He told police he slept on a sofa for the past four years in a futile attempt to escape the voracious embraces of his wife....in response to the drama Candidate Donovan simply said "Are you kidding me?! What a Moron!".....while Candidates Kane and Trixianna called for immediate street protests to proclaim "WTF?!?" and have called upon Shade Luminos for assistance with the rallies......

Northeast Slammed by Storm

Radio Free Hard Alley:     BOSTON – The Northeast girded itself as it was again "slammed" by a fast-moving storm moving full-force into the region overnight, bringing an icy mix of snow and rain, stranding hundreds of airplane passengers, and leaving more than 300,000 customers in and around the nation's capital without power.....while in the Alley.....women in the streets scurried to girdle themselves once again as fast moving Candidate Donovan "slammed into them full-force" bringing an icy mixture of blow and pain, romping hundreds of unsuspectors, and leaving more than 1,000 ladies without bowels......in other news......

Calm After Mandela Admitted for Tests?

Radio Free Hard Alley:     SOUTH AFRICA - South Africa's ruling party urges calm after Nelson Mandela was hospitalized for testing. The South African ruling party appealed for calm Thursday citing that Mandela is 92 years old, and no longer a young man.....approached for commentary, Candidate Donovan simply urged the public to remain calm, and sought to reassure the public that Mandela's tests were in "No Way Connected" to the current round of testing on "Furries" at the Lynden Labs Headquarters in Hard Alley......

Missionary Killed in Mexico!

Radio Free Hard Alley:     MEXICO - An American missionary was killed Wednesday when they were shot in Mexico, police said. American authorities are investigating the circumstances surrounding the grizzly shooting, and the Mexican Interior Ministry said it, too, was investigating "for the purpose of clarifying the facts and act accordingly to punish the person or persons responsible." Meanwhile, in Hard Alley, Candidate Donovan has proposed legislation that would effectively "kill missionary" on the SIM while simultaneously pleasuring the persons involved.......

DHS Color Coded Alert System Going Away So Soon?!

Radio Free Hard Alley:     WASHINGTON - The much-maligned, color-coded Homeland Security Advisory System is about to be consigned to the proverbial dustbin of history. Not that anyone is really paying attention.  Homeland Security Secretary Janet Napolitano is expected to announce Thursday that the almost 9-year-old threat alert system will go away in April.....Meanwhile in the Hardcore Sex and Strip Club, owner Hard Rust has downgraded the club from Elmo to Cookie Monster after street protests against Candidate Kane were quelled early this morning......

Civil Unrest in Egypt

Radio Free Hard Alley:     EGYPT - Thousands of Egyptians vented their rage against President Hosni Mubarak's autocratic government in a second day of protests Wednesday that defied a ban on public gatherings. Baton-wielding police responded with tear gas and beatings in a crackdown that showed zero tolerance for dissent.....the response was cause for concern in the streets of Hard Alley, as Candidate Kane has been rumored to be staging Protests to the Candidacy of Trixianna...."for the hell of it"......in other news.....

Breast Implants Linked to Rare Cancer

Radio Free Hard Alley:     IN MEDICAL NEWS - The Food and Drug Administration says it has found a possible link between breast implants and a very rare type of cancer. After reviewing data published between 1997 and 2010, the agency determined people with both saline and silicone gel-filled implants have a small but significant risk of anaplastic large cell lymphoma (ALCL) a form of non-Hodgkins lymphoma.....when asked about the findings Candidate Donovan expressed remorse and stated that he will truly miss his dear opponent Trixi...and anticipates her painless and rapid demise.......

Do All Fruity Foods Contain Fruits?

Radio Free Hard Alley:     IN NUTRITION HEADLINES - An investigation released today finds many fruity foods don't contain real fruit. An investigation by the nonprofit Consumer Wellness Center has revealed that a large number of commercial blueberry food products do not contain real blueberries....in Hard Alley however Candidate Trixianna was shocked by the findings and pointed out that many fruity avatars on the streets of Hard Alley DO contain "real fruits"....while Candidate Donovan simply unzipped his fly releasing himself and then said "Isn't that a Peach!"......

Federal Deficit Set To Reach Record High

Radio Free Hard Alley:     FEDERAL SPENDING - The Federal Deficit is set to hit a record high. President Obama, determined to spark job creation and competitiveness, sees a sobering estimate that says the government's deficit will hit $1.5 trillion, guaranteeing heated debates over spending cuts and federal borrowing....meanwhile, in Hard Alley...Rodisson Belic is set to reach a record high, and Dina Swansong is set to reach a record gang-bang on Friday the Donovan Campaign reports.......

Dead Man on Lake Not Foul-play!

Radio Free Hard Alley:     IN LAW ENFORCEMENT - Foul play is not suspected in the Saturday shooting of a fisherman on Falcon Lake, a waterway straddling the U.S.-Mexico border known for piracy and drug trafficking-related violence, the Zapata County Sheriff in Texas said.....Foul Play is however suspected in the recent abrupt withdrawal of Poptart from the Hard Alley Mayoral Election Campaign....more to follow as developments unfold.....

Political Crisis in Ireland

Radio Free Hard Alley:     IRELAND - Embattled Irish Prime Minister Brian Cowen said Saturday that he will step down as leader of the Fianna Fail political party but stay on as prime minister until the March 11 elections. A new leader will be elected at a special party meeting on Wednesday afternoon......meanwhile in Hard Alley.....Candidate Poptart Paine has in a suprize election move withdrawn from the Hard Alley Mayoral Election Campaign.....when reached for comment, Candidate Donovan said of Poptarts withdrawal "it's a bold campaign strategy....I hope it pays off for her....cause that's a pretty big gamble! Wow!"......in other news......

Tourists Visit Virgins in Israel

Radio Free Hard Alley:     JERUSALEM - Israel is inviting tourists to retrace the footsteps of the Virgin Mary, officials said Tuesday, in the latest campaign to bring Christian pilgrims to the Holy Land. A new itinerary developed by the Tourism Ministry helps tour operators plan pilgrimages to sites where the mother of Christ lived and traveled. They include her birthplace near Nazareth in northern Israel, as well as Mary's Spring and the Tomb of the Virgin near Jerusalem.....when asked if he would visit....Candidate Donovan replied "What?!! I'm sorry.....I just can't see any use for all these damn Virgins anymore! Geeze!!!"......

DEA Struggles with new Bath Salts

Radio Free Hard Alley:    AROUND THE NATION - When Neil Brown got high on dangerous chemicals sold as bath salts, he took his skinning knife and slit his face and stomach repeatedly. Brown survived, but authorities say others haven't been so lucky after snorting, injecting or smoking powders with such innocuous-sounding names as Ivory Wave, Red Dove and Vanilla Sky.....when asked about the trend Candidate Donovan simply replied...."Yes, I bathe everyday.....oh.....ummmm, you may need to ask Roddison Belic about that sorta shit I think".

The Pope on "Absolute Rights"

Radio Free Hard Alley:    THE VATICAN - Pope Benedict XVI told priests Saturday to do a better job counseling would-be spouses to ensure their marriages last and said no one has an absolute right to a wedding......elsewhere......at Sister Ana's Church of Oral Pleasures, Candidate Donovan told a crowd of lady supporters that they have an ABSOLUTE RIGHT to be absolved of their sins, "just step right into the confessional".......

Space Probe Closing In

Radio Free Hard Alley:     IN SPACE NEWS - NASA's Stardust Probe Readies itself for its rendezvous with Comet Tempel 1....while across the galaxy Mayoral Candidate Donovan readies his balls for a rendezvous with opponent Kane Landfall's temple.....both landings are expected to occur without incident on Valentine's Day......

Palin's Ratings Down, but Donovan's Numbers "Up"!

Radio Free Hard Alley: This Just In: Sarah Palin's unfavorable rating among women has gone up 10 points. And 59 percent of those all-important independent voters don't like her -- and that's up a stunning 14 points in just a few months......and in other news.....Candidate Donovan's approval rating has gone up by nearly 56 points, due in large part to his cock being a generous 10 inches......Stay Tuned.

Wiki the End of Diplomacy?!

Radio Free Hard Alley:   In National News: Since the WikiLeaks scandal exploded at the end of last year, many commentators have declared this episode marks "the end of diplomacy."......Candidate Donovan scoffed at the assertion, coughing and walking abruptly away from the cameras mumbling to his press secretary "Whatever you have to do, keep them from releasing those fucking pictures".......on now to Local News....

Don't Ask Don't Tell Policy Costs are High

Radio Free Hard Alley: Breaking News: 'Don't ask, don't tell' cost tops $50,000 per expulsion, study finds.....in response to this data Candidate Donovan released a study of his own that claims that it costs 0L$ per excretion at his Campaign HQ.....angry citizen Kev could not be reached for confirmation on the cost of either .....in other news...

New Legislative Initiative Underway in the House

Radio Free Hard Alley: This Just In: House Speaker John Boehner announced Thursday that the House of Representatives will consider legislation to permanently bar federal funding for elective abortions, calling the measure "one of our highest legislative priorities.".....Candidate Donovan on the other hand proclaimed that his highest priority is to get his balls massaged today.....more information as this story develops......

New Breastfeeding Initiative in America

Radio Free Hard Alley: In Medical Headlines: Surgeon General Dr. Regina Benjamin is launching a “Call to Action to Support Breastfeeding" initiative this week.....Candidate Donovan sharply criticized this initiative citing it's lack of a mandate that all breastfeedings be conducted in public, calling it the "greatest disservice to men yet inflicted upon mankind"......your reading Radio Free Hard Alley.......

South Koreans Rescue Ship at Sea

Radio Free Hard Alley: Special Alert: South Korean special forces stormed a hijacked freighter in the Arabian Sea on Friday, rescuing all 21 crew members and killing eight assailants in a rare and bold raid on Somali pirates. South Korea said they could not confirm if Candidate Poptart was one of those killed, but she's sure not in Hard Alley.....Across the Globe Candidate Donovan conducted a Panti Raid this morning at Madame Candace's House of Ill Repute....seizing an undisclosed number of soiled garments from the laundry room......stay tuned......

Too Hot for Television

Radio Free Hard Alley: In America Today: Parents Group "The Parents Television Council" Petitions Congress and the Attorney General to Investigate MTV for Child Pornography in it's latest hit show, the 'Skins' Series......in Hard Alley: Candidate Donovan petitions SIM Owner Hard Rust to allow him to star in an upcoming Porn Release......check back for updates......

California Woman Benefits from Larynx Transplant

Radio Free Hard Alley: On the Science and Technology front: A 52-year-old California woman became the second person in the world to receive a larynx transplant in October, restoring her ability to speak and breathe on her own....when located in the Hardcore Sex and Strip Club for comment, Candidate Donovan quickly withdrew his cock from DJ Suff's throat and darted out zipping his pants frantically saying "Holy fuck...she can talk again? Shit!!"....his attorney could not be reached for clarification......on to other news.......

Knox Evidence to be retested

Radio Free Hard Alley: Italy: Amanda Knox, the American convicted in December 2009 of the sexual assault and murder of her British roommate in Italy, is "cautiously optimistic" as she begins the lengthy appellate process in Perugia, Italy......two forensic experts have taken an oath to uphold objectivity as they retest crucial forensic evidence used to convict Knox, 23, and her former boyfriend Raffaele Sollecito, of killing Meredith Kercher in Perugia.......when contacted for comment the Donovan Campaign replied "Oh hell yeah she's hawt.....oh wait....did you say they're re-testing all that shit? Oh fuck...can they really do that?" Candidate Donovan was later seen fleeing the streets in an unmarked SUV.

Dutch patient chained to wall for hours

Radio Free Hard Alley: A Dutch documentary about a mentally ill and potentially dangerous 18-year-old has prompted lawmakers in the Netherlands to re-examine the permissible treatment of those in psychiatric care. Brandon van Ingen has spent part of his days tethered to a wall due to the danger he poses to others, according to State Secretary for Public Health Marlies Veldhuijzen van Zanten-Hyllner.....pressed for comment regarding the treatment of this young man....Candidate Donovan simply replied "Lucky fucking bastard! Son of a Bitch!!".....

Mexican Drugmen Killed by Police on the Border

Radio Free Hard Alley: Northern Mexico: Soldiers patrolling a rural area on the border with Texas killed 10 suspected drug gang gunmen at a training camp, Mexico's Defense Department said Saturday.....when contacted for an Official Statment....Candidate Donovan merely replied "Was Kane there? Is he one of the dead? No!!!!! Fuck!!!!!! God-dammit....get that fucking Police Chief back on the phone!"

The President and the Pigskin

Radio Free Hard Alley: Washington: The President and the Pigskin..... Last week, Obama told hometown paper, The Chicago Tribune, that he "is going no doubt" if the Chicago Bears make it to Super Bowl XLV. He also predicted they would do just that. Unfortunately they lost to the Green Bay Packers, and will not advance......Elsewhere....In Hard Alley.....The Candidate and the Foreskin....in a scandalous revelation, Candidate Kane admitted today his vast fascination with the male scrotum....thus explaining his many camming episodes throughout the SIM.....stay tuned.

Ron Paul looking for a change?!

Radio Free Hard Alley: Texas: Only three weeks into the 112th Congress and oddsmakers are pondering whether Texas Rep. Ron Paul could become the next Sen. Kay Bailey Hutchison. Paul told the National Journal on Thursday that's he is not even considering it -- and still is weighing another presidential bid in 2012......When asked for his assessment of the congressional situation in Texas, Candidate Donovan said "Well, at least it's better than Candidate Kane trying to become Trixianna....sheesh...wouldn't that be a mess!"

From the Political Forefront

Radio Free Hard Alley: In Politics: Colin Powell made waves in 2008 when he endorsed Barack Obama over John McCain, but the former GOP Secretary of State says he's not sure he'll back Obama again in 2012....and in Hard Alley today....Candidate Trixianna announced that she's not yet ready to endorse Candidate Donovan, though Candidate Kane is....but said that she's obviously ready to bed him as soon as Ayrx isn't looking......

Instability in Ireland's Government

Radio Free Hard Alley:     In Election News: Ireland's government was in tatters Monday after the junior coalition partners pulled out, as talks were set to start on fast-tracking a key finance bill in a move that would bring forward elections......while half a world away.....Hard Alley's Government continued to operate "normally" despite the withdrawal of Poptart....as talks are under way for a Campaign Rally this Saturday Night for Candidate Donovan...rumors are about that a monumental record breaking gang-bang may be in the works...more to follow as this story develops.

Chicago Mayoral Legal Troubles

Radio Free Hard Alley:     CHICAGO – An Illinois appeals court threw former White House Chief of Staff Rahm Emanuel off the ballot for Chicago mayor Tuesday because he didn't live in the city in the year before the election. The decision cast doubt over Emanuel's candidacy just a month before the election....while in Hard Alley, in the wake of the news from Chicago, Candidate Donovan called upon the Hard Alley City Council to immediately enact the same brute measures against Candidate Kane because "it's just a great excuse to fuck the guy over!"....

Hope in Sight for Iraqi Refugees

Radio Free Hard Alley:     BAGHDAD – The head of the U.N. refugee agency expressed hope Monday that the end was in sight for Iraq's refugee crisis but called on the new government to develop a plan to tackle sensitive issues like property rights for those who return....pressed for input Candidate Donovan summarized by saying "what the world REALLY needs is a plan to tackle sensitive issues, such as his nuts, and restore freedom of sexual expression to patrons of Hard Alley", and expressed hope for more fully involved RP in the streets of the notorious Urban Forced RP SIM".....Candidate Kane was again unavailable to provide an intelligent retort.......

Dangerous Gas Leaks Detected, Crisis Averted!

Radio Free Hard Alley:     OHIO - All 3,200 residents of Fairport Harbor, Ohio, were told to evacuate Monday morning after gas leaks caused fires and explosions in neighboring homes and suburbs.....no one was hurt in the blasts......elsewhere.....Residents were forced to evacuate Hard Alley for a recent SIM restart after similar gas releases were detected in the streets. Candidate Trixianna is suspected of having released the gases after a night of consuming Burritos at a local establishment.....

Northeast Cold Snap

Radio Free Hard Alley: In The Northeast - The phrase "it's cold outside" doesn't begin to describe it. With the mercury well below zero in parts of the Northeast, people in New York and the New England states are facing some of the coldest temperatures the region has seen in years....and the streets of Hard Alley are apparently not immune from this recent streak of cold.....as evidenced by males hiding in Private Chat for the fear of "shrinkage"....Candidate Donovan blames the trend on a lack of high pressures "coming in from the South"....and "pre-Dicks" a thaw in the wake of his election to office.....

Rapist Terrorized

Radio Free Hard Alley:     DETROIT - Detroit police have arrested a man suspected to be the rapist who "terrorized" women on the city's Northeast side, the police chief said Monday....Candidate Donovan called on Washington to intervene in this "Terrorism of the Population" and vowed to offer "clemency and sanctuary" to this obviously oppressed citizen in the Hard Alley Streets if elected......

Oprah's Dirty Little Secret!

Radio Free Hard Alley:     IN OPRAH NEWS - After promising to reveal a big family secret on-air, talk-show host Oprah Winfrey has confessed that she recently learned she has a half-sister she never knew about......not to be outdone....Candidate Donovan replied to the announcement that he has recently learned that he has a disturbing fascination with "Furry Sex" that he previously never knew about...Candidates Trixi and Kane hastily declined to offer details of their deepest secrets......

Billy Graham expresses regrets?!

Radio Free Hard Alley:     IN RELIGIOUS HEADLINES - Billy Graham, the beloved evangelist known as "America's Pastor" says that looking back on his long life and public ministry, one thing he would do differently is to avoid the political entanglements that have been one of the rare blots on his otherwise hallowed legacy.....in response to this revelation, Candidate Trixianna issued a public service announcement stating that she shares similar regrets entering the Hard Alley Mayoral Race due to her "deep commitment to monogamy and WOW-widowhood".....

Moscow announces plans for revenge!

Radio Free Hard Alley: MOSCOW – Prime Minister Vladimir Putin vowed revenge Tuesday for the suicide bombing that killed 35 people at a Moscow airport — a familiar tough-on-terrorism stance that has underpinned his power but also led to a rising number of deadly attacks in Russia......Meanwhile....Candidate Kane has vowed revenge for the Cum Coating his Campaign Poster recently received in the streets...while Candidate Donovan has accepted full responsibility for the "outburst"....but says his nuts feel much better now.......

World Health Fund in Crisis?!

Radio Free Hard Alley:     GENEVA – Germany's development ministry said Wednesday it will halt all payments to a $21.7 billion global health fund until it gets answers about corruption allegations raised in articles by The Associated Press.....In response to the crisis Candidate Donovan announced his support for the Hard Alley Clinic to immediately begin providing "free screenings"...and assured the World Population that "corruption shall continue....just as they voted for"......in other news......

Broadcast News too Sexy?!!

Radio Free Hard Alley:     BROADCAST NEWS - Many stations try to increase their following and gain male viewers by featuring attractive female news anchors, often having them dress in clothing that highlights their sexuality.  While this technique boosts ratings, research suggests men don't properly digest television news as a result....cornered for an opinion on the latest research results, Candidate Donovan said "Oh like they have any real news to fucking report on anyway!"....he further suggested that the "Hot Factor" was crucial to all future television broadcasts and called for more hotness in the city streets.......

Is this guy even serious?!

Radio Free Hard Alley:     Opinion Editorial News - Tyler Blanski recently published an op-ed on CNN that states that "When it comes to sex, many Christians confuse the fences for the playground. Christian sexuality at its best is actually an expression of what churchgoers call the trinitarian life - a holistic, all-encompassing, committed love, the kind of love we reach for in marriage. A single person’s sex life does not have to mean the sex act itself. It can be a harvesting of all that sexual energy and directing it towards something bigger than sex itself.".....Candidate Donovan in response said "Who The Fuck Is This Goon?!! OMG he's so fucking stupid! Bring him down here so I can beat his ass!!"....more to follow.....

Rhonda Aikman Finally a Free Woman!

Radio Free Hard Alley:      DALLAS - Former Dallas Cowboys star quarterback Troy Aikman has separated from his wife. "This has been a difficult decision for Rhonda and me, but after 10 years of marriage we have decided to separate," Aikman tells The Dallas Morning News.....in Hard Alley.....hearing the news, Candidate Donovan smacked his lips while cracking his knuckles and looked around a crowd of unsavory men asking "Ok, so who's gonna tap that ass?!".....coming up next....

Castration for Sex Offenders?!

Radio Free Hard Alley:     RICHMOND, Va. -- A Virginia legislator is proposing castrating sex offenders as an alternative to the increasing costs to detain and treat them after they've served their prison sentences. Republican Sen. Emmett Hanger's bill would require the state to study the use of physical castration as an alternative to civil commitment for sexually violent predators. A similar proposal was vetoed four years ago.....pressed for opinion on the castration legislation, Candidate Donovan quickly cupped his groin, winced his face and replied somewhat confused... "Ummm....they wanna do what the fuck to Kane again?!!!"

Bank Seizures in Ivory Coast

Radio Free Hard Alley:     IVORY COAST - Incumbent leader Larurent Gbagbo's government has ordered the seizure of the regional cetral bank's offices in Ivory Coast in an attempt to retain control of state finances after being cut off from the money used to pay civil servants....asked about the extreme measures Candidate Donovan scoffed at the idea, but said that local government in Hard Alley should participate in "seizures of assets wherever possible" in an attempt to improve his personal frequency of RP.....in other news......

Environmental Laws Ruin Detergents

Radio Free Hard Alley:    ENVIRONMENTAL NEWS - Thanks to environmental protection laws passed in 16 states, dish detergent manufacturers have been forced to remove powerful cleansing agents called phosphates from their formulas nationwide. The result? Detergents that don't clean, reported Tampa Bay Online......in a surprise response Candidate Trixianna just stared blankly at the camera chewing a finger-nail while Candidate Kane suggested perhaps what's next is laundry detergent......Candidate Donovan called the measure a reflection of our "failing education system", and urged others to protest by offering him oral sex in the Strip Club........

Innovation called for in State of the Union

Radio Free Hard Alley:     STATE OF THE UNION - In his long awaited State of the Union Address, President Obama called for united efforts to secure America's prosperity, and suggested that America must "out-innovate" the rest of the world to remain competitive....Meanwhile, in Hard Alley....Candidate Donovan called for united efforts to improve public sex acts.....suggesting that everyone just needs to relax...and perhaps try to "out-masturbate" the remainder of the world, but insists he doesn't want it to be repetitive...........

More Storms to Pound the Northeast

Radio Free Hard Alley:     WEATHER ALERT - A quick-hitting storm is expected to coat most of the Northeastern United States and parts of the South with snow Wednesday, forecasters said. The National Weather Service issued winter storm warnings and advisories that stretched from Maine to northern Mississippi. Hartford, Connecticut and the Boston area could get as much as 10 inches of snow by Wednesday night, the weather service reported....In response to the emergency declaration Candidate Donovan urged the public to remain calm and called upon citizens to stock up on emergency supplies in case of a power outage....he was later seen departing a local grocery with a shopping cart full of Lube, Scented Candles and Cheap Boxed Wine.....